


Memories

by Albenkind



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Childhood Memories, M/M, red!allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:49:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11765181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Albenkind/pseuds/Albenkind
Summary: Lavi gets pulled into Allen's memories.Even though he knows that he shouldn't, he uses his Bookman abilities to interfere.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> For Laven Week 2017, August 10th - Seven of Hearts | _wishful thinking, change,_ stagnation

_And if I only could_  
_Make a deal with God_  
_And get him to swap our places_  
_Be running up that road_  
_Be running up that hill_  
_Be running up that building_  
_If I only could_

_(-- Placebo - Running up that Hill)_

*****

Memories

When Lavi opened up his eyes, he was lost. He didn't know what happened but could recall Link's voice. The last thing he heard was a warning before everything turned black before his eyes.

_"Don't look, Lavi!!"_ Link had yelled with a panic-heavy voice. But Lavi did look. He had to see what happened to Allen. He had to see if he was alright, if he was still alive. Still his.

It was a reflex. An instinct he adapted while being close to Allen. Closer. Too close.

The young Bookman looked around, still dizzy and a little bit weak on his knees. _Think, Lavi. Think. Recall the last events and try to analyse the situation_.

Allen had been able to fight back Nea. It was obvious just by the way his eyes changed when they looked at each other. When Nea controlled the body, all Lavi could see and sense was cold, brutal hate. But then all of a sudden Lavi saw warmth and love and _pain_ above all. These were Allen's eyes and they came back when Johnny called out for him. There was a moment of surprise and then a moment of sheer panic when Allen lost consciousness and fell from the roof of that building. Just as Johnny, Lavi jumped after him as well. It was all thanks to Allen's Innocence that neither of them got hurt. But instead of waking up, things got worse.

Because when they fell, Lavi already saw that the Earl and Wisely were still there - and Wisely looked incredibly sad and furious. He went for Allen, face firm and lips pressed together as the eye on his forehead started to glow so bright that Lavi feared he might be blinded. And then? Then, Link had yelled not to look. To turn away. But it had already been too late.

Bright lights blinded him and then there was black. Lavi didn't know where he was right then but at least he didn't feel any pain. He hadn't been injured which was a good thing - but what about the others? What about _Allen_? He was not here. No one was. So whatever happened, Lavi knew it would do him no good to stay here. He had to go and see if he could find someone. Anyone, really.

What was even more irritating though was the fact that there was snow everywhere. The world seemed entirely white around him. As if he was walking on a clean canvas, leaving only footprints and his quiet thoughts behind. Lavi walked up a small hill with long steps, hugging himself tightly to prevent himself from getting cold.

And when he finally reached the top and could look down the other side again, Lavi's breath hitched. His heart started to beat faster with each second as realisation hit him.

Before him was a sea of red and yellow. The roof of the circus he saw before him was striped with bright colours, various attractions and concession stands. Loud noises filled the air above the place down there. A mixture of laughter and happy screams. Animal sounds and music. But these sounds were all the same to Lavi. They merged together until there was only white noise, leaving nothing but a single feeling in his heart that spread across his entire body, rendering him motionless: _Melancholy._

Lavi knew this place.

He'd only been here once but knew this place by heart. He'd heard too much about it to forget. It was too important to him because it was an important part of Allen.

It was the circus in Brighton where Allen was forced to endure way too much suffering for way too long.

But how did he get here? This didn't make any sense and especially the season. Before everything turned black before his eyes it had been summer. And now? Winter?

With a sigh, Lavi shook his head and continued to move down the other side of the hill, towards the circus.

It had taken a long time before Allen trusted him enough to even mention this place but when he started to talk about this place here... he hadn't stopped until his heart had been too burst open to continue, tongue swollen and heavy with the ugliness of the past. With each word that had passed Allen's sinful lips, Lavi had noticed the slight vibrations in his voice. A nervous tickle of words, like acid on bare skin. Burning through each and every layer, down to the bone until nothing was left anymore.

The place where Allen had been abused for years by this one Clown - Cosimov.

The place where Allen had become _Allen_.

The place where Red died.

The place where Allen had met Mana for the first time.

When realisation hit him, Lavi felt a lump in his throat. His chest got tighter and all of a sudden it was difficult to breathe. These feelings didn't belong to him. Lavi didn't know where they were coming from. He still knew the exact tone Allen had in his voice when he told him about it though. The pain he'd heard. And now Lavi felt like he experienced the same, oddly enough. Of course he was able to sympathise... but this felt _different_. Way more intense.

Lavi's heart was suddenly drowning.

There was so much sadness and desperation. Lavi not only felt a wave of utter loneliness wash over him, but also hate. There was so much hate and disgust. Not towards others but towards himself.

Each step he took forward to this place shook him to his very core and it was getting more and more difficult to move. Where did this come from? There was no reason for him to feel like this. And yet these feelings were so overwhelming that Lavi's head almost felt dizzy.

And then he saw him.

Tousled, dirty red hair that was tied up into a bun at the top of his head. Sky blue eyes that Lavi could see even from this distance. His clothes ragged, torn. Hanging loosely at the thin, bony shoulders.

_Allen!_

Of course it was not the Exorcist Allen. This was _Red._ This was the little boy he'd only seen once in his entire life. Back then when Bookman took him in to be his apprentice. A year later he and Bookman met Cross Marian at this circus. Up until that moment, Lavi never found out what Bookman and Cross had discussed. But on this day, Lavi had seen him. Allen. Red. Sitting outside of the giant tent, curled up on himself and shivering from the cold, clutching his stomach from hunger.

Lavi swallowed hard and moved faster, almost stumbling over his own feet in an attempt to reach Allen.

Like back in his memories, the boy appeared all of a sudden. Someone threw him out of one of the trailers. He was yelled at, pushed back until he fell down into the snow. A burning red indent in the white canvas. Then, the boy got up and ran away. Fear and panic rose in Lavi's chest at the sight but he was not scared for the boy, oddly enough. He was scared for _himself_. Why?

"If I were you, I wouldn't go there, Bookman."

A female voice made Lavi stop so sudden that his body was shaking. The tiny hairs at the base of his neck started to rise, sending a chill down his spine. Out of reflex, Lavi grabbed at his thigh, ready to pull his hammer out of his pocket. But there was none. His eyes widened with shock and he looked down, touched his thighs, pockets, checked the insides of his jackets before turning around when he quickly decided that it was probably the best decision to just use his hands if nothing else was available.

And after turning around to see where the voice came from, Lavi's eyes confirmed what his ears told him before.

Road Kamelot was standing right in front of him. Dark grey skin, white dress. An innocent smile on her thin lips.

"No need to look at me like that. I'm not going to fight you. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. And your Innocence wouldn't work which is why I took it away from you." Road continued with a sweet chuckle that made Lavi want to throw up. If he didn't know that Road protected Allen various times already, he would've already hit her.

"What are you talking about?" Lavi asked, gritting his teeth.

"This crow warned you not to look. But you looked so now you experience what Allen did back when he found out about Kanda Yu and Alma Karma. Do you remember?"

Lavi remembered and he took a deep breath to remain calm. Turning around, he searched for Allen - no, _Red_ , in the snow. He was sitting on one of the wooden crates next to a small tent, shivering. Allen had told him about this. His mind had been pushed into Kanda's memories by Wisely--

_Oh!_

"Exactly, Bookman. Now you get it, do you? You're inside Allen's memories." Road made a short pause, then squinted his eyes a little and got closer. "I know where your mind is going. Don't even try to interfere. You know it will make no difference. Allen would know that you were only here in your own dream. It will not ease his pain in the present."

Lavi swallowed hard. How did Road know? She wasn't in his mind right now, was she? No that could not possibly be true.

"It is true. Your ability, your _eye_ works into both directions in this world. I am the Noah of dreams. I can make use of this to a certain extend as well." Road continued.

_Fuck._

"Such horrible words, Bookman." Road laughed loudly and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Stop this, Road. I don't need your help here. And you shouldn't be here either. This belongs to Allen and I only know about this circus because Allen told me about it. You shouldn't know about this place in the first place."

After his words, Road's expression suddenly changed and she almost looked... _hurt._

"You think you know everything, Junior. But you don't. You know so little it is almost ridiculous. This is bigger than you think. So don't pretend you're in a better situation than any of us. It is your fault that we landed here. If you can't hold yourself back, then this is your decision. Though I am sure you know that... should you interfere, you're probably the embodied double moral standard."

 

*****

 

Road had been right. Lavi knew he'd be a hypocrite if he interfered. But how could he not? How could he just stay here and watch Allen get beat up? He knew it wouldn't make a difference. He wouldn't be able to help Allen with his trauma. Once everyone wakes up again and gets out of these memories, Allen would know that Lavi messed with his memories. He'd be able to distinguish between what happened in reality and what happened in this dream only.

It was frustrating.

His ability felt like a blessing but right now it felt like it was completely useless.

Thanks to his right eye, Lavi was able to have a real body inside these kind of dreams. People would see him. People would be able to talk to him. It was an ability Bookman always forbid him to use. But it was fine because up to this point, Lavi never felt the urge to show himself in memories. He'd always been hidden from plain sight.

It was different now though. Lavi could feel what Allen felt. He felt the hate and the pain. The loneliness and everything that made Allen so soft, despite all this.

Lavi didn't know for how long he was now sitting on this crate, a few meters away from the large main tent of the circus. He was lucky that his uniform was warm enough for him to not feel cold, giving him enough time to think about his next steps. He didn't even know if he was even supposed to do something here. Or see something. How he would be able to get out of this?

With a sigh, Lavi continued to try and concentrate. The feelings that bubbled up in his stomach weren't his own. It was the tantrum he'd told himself various times already and slowly but surely, he managed to suppress them.

This was not the first time in his life that he was reading in someone's memories but it was the first time he was forced into it, which was why suppressing these feelings was a lot more difficult.

"If you are a thief, there is nothing to get here!"

A sudden voice almost made him jump. Turning to his right, Lavi faced... Allen. Red. Ragged clothes and skin and bones. Bruises under his eye and a burst lip.

"No." Lavi replied calmly, offering the boy a soft smile. Allen didn't seem to trust him though.

"Then why the hell are you lurking here? You've been sitting on this crate for nearly five hours now! That's not even subtle so _fuck off_!!" Allen spat.

To Lavi it sounded like he was talking to a completely different person. Of course he knew that Red was different from Allen and that he was brash and afraid and secretive. Unfriendly if you weren't able to look through all this. But sending him away like that was... almost amusing. Maybe the ringmaster told him to see what he was doing here?

"I'm just sitting here. I won't steal anything. Or is it forbidden to sit around this place?"

"It is! Buy something or go!"

Lavi sighed at that and looked around. Even if it was already late and there were very few people around by now, the concession stands were still open so Lavi stood up and walked up to one of them, taking out a few Guinees of his bag and paying the man in front of him to get a large portion of fries. With this, Lavi got back to the wooden crate where Allen was still standing and watching him with suspicious eyes, arms crossed in front of his chest.

Lavi sat down again and watched the boy for a few moments before he put one of the fries into his mouth.

"There. I bought something to eat. Are you happy now?"

Allen just looked at him, lips pressed together. Then, he turned around and almost strutted away from him. The sight alone made Lavi's stomach churn uncomfortably. Allen looked so _thin_ that even Lavi felt hungry by just looking at him.

"Oy, you hungry?" Lavi called after him in an attempt to make Allen stop. And it did. Allen stopped, hands clenched into fists. It was obvious that he hesitated, needing a while to turn around. His expression was indecisive. Allen clearly didn't trust him but he _was_ hungry.

Lavi held out the package with his hand, holding it as far away from himself as possible as he offered them to Allen.

The small redhead came closer, slowly, each step careful. But just close enough to be able to reach out and take one of the fries. He looked at it, smelled at it and then looked at Lavi.

"Come on, you saw me buy and eat them. They're safe."

This seemed to have done the trick. Allen put the fry in his mouth and looked at the portion in Lavis hand. He was still holding it out to him, waiting patiently. Then, Allen reached out again, careful and slowly once more. To Lavi, Allen looked like a scared animal at the moment. A scared and hungry animal of which he wanted to gain its trust. This was why he didn't move, simply letting Allen eat. He took each fry individually, still observing Lavi to make sure he wouldn't suddenly rush forward or attack him.

But Allen ate silently, getting more and more courageous and grabbing a handful each time he reached out near the end.

He looked almost disappointed when he finished eating everything, but looked much better than a few minutes ago.

"My name is Lavi, by the way."

"I don't care."

"Wow. Thank you for your gratitude."

"I didn't ask for your food!"

Lavi knew that Allen had been different as a child, but he certainly didn't expect anger in this amount. Allen seemed furious. But Lavi knew why he was like this. He didn't judge Allen for this. Living like this does things to ones soul that are beyond control.

"Geez, no need to be angry at me." Lavi chuckled and leaned forward a bit, taking off his jacket and holding it out as well. Now, Allen looked even more irritated, blue eyes widening with confusion. "You look like you're cold. I got a ton of these so here. You look like you need this more than I do."

"Why are you doing this?" Allen asked calmly.

"Doing what?"

" _That!_ " Allen threw his right hand in the air and gestured helplessly, obviously not understanding why anyone would be nice to him. To be fair, Lavi wasn't surprised, considering what was going on at this circus.

"Why not?"

"People aren't nice. People don't do things for others without always expecting something in return or worse."

Allen's words were like poison. But his attitude matched Lavi's previous alias so much that it was almost scary. Almost deadly.

"There is good in this world, ya know." Lavi responded. Ironically, these were words Allen taught him. Before he met Allen at the order, he was the same as Allen was right now. But _his_ Allen was so full of love and light, that it was impossible to escape. Allen taught him to see the good in this world and now he'd do what he could to give this all back to him.

"We're living in different worlds then." Allen replied after a moment, taking the jacket from Lavi's hands anyway.

"Are we?"

"Clearly."

Lavi chuckled once more, shaking his head at Allen.

"If we are living in different worlds, then one of us is probably an Alien. I've always wanted to talk to one though. Care to sit down next to me?" Lavi suggested, gesturing to his right.

Again, Allen waited a long time before he moved. He put on Lavi’s jacket that almost fell off of his shoulders right away because it was that much bigger. But he could wrap himself into it fully, shielding him from the cold. It made Lavi smile with relief.

"I've never talked to an Alien before. And I didn't know that Aliens are wearing such weird clothing." Allen suddenly said and came closer, sitting down next to Lavi with shaky legs. He was still not sure if he could trust him, but Lavi would try to show him that he didn't have to be afraid.

Lavi only briefly looked away to see if anyone was around. But they were almost completely alone by now. Good. That would give him enough time to talk to him. Lavi wanted to show him the light. Even if only just a little bit. Even if it would not change the present. It was an illusion. A memory. You couldn't change the past.

"So what's it like on other planets?" Allen asked with raised eyebrows, looking up to him.

It was weird seeing Allen without the scar on his face. But it was a blessing. A picture Lavi would never forget.

"It is extraterrestrial." Lavi grinned, making Allen purse his lips.

"Are you trying to be funny? If so, it's not working."

"Ow, this hurt my feelings. Such a rude attitude you have there."

"Some call it rude, I just call it being _honest_!"

And then, Lavi could see the slightest hint of a grin on this bruised face. It made Lavi's heart jump with pure joy.

Maybe, just maybe he would be able to make a difference.

Maybe. And Lavi knew that at least he would try, try, try.


End file.
